submission, or the "s" word....

okay, so i've never been much into submission. i really do like to do things my own way. i know somewhere along the way, growing up, i heard things like, "don't ever trust a man to take care of you. they're all pigs. make sure you can take care of yourself." i'm sure this had an impact on how i took in the whole "wives are to submit to their husbands" part of the Bible. i truly have bristled against this teaching, writing it off as a cultural thing of the times it was written in that doesn't really fit today. sigh....

i started reading "the excellent wife" as part of a mentoring course i'm taking through settingcaptivesfree.com i'm not so sure i could recommend it to others since i haven't finished it yet. at first glance, it seems really legalistic with no real infusion of grace. BUT, the first two chapters are behind me and i can report that i am being challenged in my thinking and in the condition of my heart towards my husband. it doesn't feel like mis-placed guilt or pressure to please someone else. it feels like God Himself is asking me to look at an area of my life that not only displeases Him, but has been a stumbling block for me, for Mark and for our marriage.

as i took in the truth that God wants me to submit to my husband and be busy at home and look for ways that i can serve and support him, i had some good tears. one, because it's hard to look at my pride and the condition of my heart. and two, because i have to change. a lot.

so, i asked God to do the work in my heart needed to walk as He wants me to walk in this area. and i've just started changing the way i am with mark....listening to him more than talking, pouring him a glass of cold iced tea when he walks in the door, asking what he thinks about something before i jump ahead and do it, complimenting him ans showing him respect whenever i can. and doing these things is causing my heart to shift towards him. and it also is causing mark to look at me like, "who are you and what have you done with my wife?"

God has given me a good man. not perfect, but definitely good. making a conscious decision to place myself under his God-given authority actually feels like a safe place to be. it feels like i can rest in that place. weird, huh?

hopeful

i just thought i'd let you all know i woke up feeling hopeful today. i haven't felt that in awhile and i just wanted to recognize it and allow myself to enjoy it:) sometimes i hesitate to say where i'm really at when i read what you are going through, ginger. nothing going on in my life even compares to the loss you are experiencing. i want you to know that i'm grateful for the way you've shared your grief with all of us through your blog. God has allowed me to feel a portion of your grief as i've thought about you and prayed for you lately. i am thankful He has allowed that.

off i go to walk and take in the beautiful day today is. and soak in the Hope only He can offer.

edgy

i've felt edgy lately. i can't seem to relax. or feel settled. i had the whole day off yesterday and i think my brain just needed space to breathe, but i felt this pressure to use the time productively. but i didn't. i couldn't even figure out where to start. my mind couldn't think clearly enough to fold a towel. so i watched a movie. and fed the cat (she was grateful). and talked to God throughout the day....nothing too coherent. i did manage to clean our desk at home off. nice to look at that at the end of the day as something completed. josh had a make-up game. i sat and watched and asked God to just help me focus on the game. to be all there for it. He granted my request.

Group

Last night, I completed my first group therapy experience (that I was leading). What a ride it was. It was a sexual abuse recovery group and we used Dan Allender's "Wounded Heart" and the Bible as our guide. We started with four women. One dropped out 3 weeks into it...too overwhelmed.

The three women who were left were really there for each other. It seemed like God hand-picked them to be together for this season of healing. And Satan really hated it. I know it was a spiritual battle for each of them as they shared stories of how hard it was to get to group meetings and the things they struggled with throughout the 12 weeks. It was an intense spiritual battle for me and I'm sort of hoping for some relief now that it's over. My skin thing really flared up again (hence, the allergy testing), you already know about the relational struggle I dealt with, our finances took a serious turn for the worse, and for the first time in two years, depression seemed to take over.

In response to the attack (which I recognized about half way through the 12 weeks), I joined a local bible study (Bible Study Fellowship) and signed up for the online bible study I told you about, memorized scripture, started writing here again, and talked with God A LOT. God was faithful to see me through it in one piece, and I am grateful for that.

During the last 30 minutes of our meeting, we did a "Words of Life" exercise where we took turns sharing thoughts with each other about the part each of us played in each others' healing. I intended for all of us (2 leaders included) to do the affirming for the three participants. When we finished with the three, one asked if they could include Marcia and I in the exercise. What a gift. The words they had for each of us were so life-giving.

Knowing the impact that was made somehow makes it worth the blood, sweat, and tears. I wanted to do it just to be faithful. I knew God was asking me to offer the group. But what a bonus to actually see lives transformed. Each woman LOOKED different last night than they did on the first night. More open. More feminine. More hopeful. Alive.

Thank you, Jesus.

amazed

i am amazed at His patience with me. and the way He keeps pouring into me....into my endless emptiness. and somehow He fills me up. and as I watch Him move and work in the people around me, like an eternal, stealth, soft whisper, i just get caught up in the holiness of it all. the mystery. i prayed with people today. i do that on most days, but today it felt especially like we were on Holy ground. He seems more present and flows through me more freely when my heart is soft and broken. i wish i could be sure i'll never have to re-learn this. i wish i could stay in this place and watch the mystery unfold around me from now until eternity. maybe i can.

poverty

at about 3:42 this afternoon, i was desperate for a cup of coffee at work. i am trying to replace coffee with green tea, because i know green tea is better for me, but i only made it until 3:42. trouble is, pay day is 3 days away and we are literally flat broke. i had to scrape together $1.68 from several different places (my desk drawer, the bottom of my purse, the car door....) to pay McDonald's to ease my headache with some hot java. i was once again faced with how on our last dime we are AGAIN, even with all the hours we work between the two of us. the pressure to keep the bills paid and keep our heads above water nearly consumes me sometimes. i prayed on my walk back from McDonald's, "Lord, i don't know what it really is like to live in poverty, because i have a job and a roof over my head, but i trust You to provide everything we need. You always have."

lately, i find myself poverty-stricken before God. it is finally sinking in for me that i really have nothing to offer Him. on my own, i'll choose the selfish thing and do what makes me feel good. when i pray to Him these days, it seems like all i can say to Him is things like, "i need You. please protect me from the enemy. keep me safe. i am nothing without You. in my poverty, You make me rich. where i am weak, You make me strong."

sometimes it feels like i'm scraping the bottom of my purse to find what i need to walk in holiness and keep my head above water. and He reminds me that it isn't there. He freely gives me what i need for life and Godliness. the pressure is off. i don't have to fight alone. i can rest in His finished work on the cross for me. i am an heiress of the King.

as i get ready to rest my head on the pillow tonight, i rest in the knowledge that He is all i need. Selah...

Ode to Phillip Hillery

I've had these words formulating in my mind for weeks since Philip's day of going home to Jesus, so I think I'll write them here.

Because of God's grace, we had the privilege of living in Madison, New Jersey for several years and attend church with Phillip and his beautiful family. It was a season of pain and joy and perseverance for Phillip. As an onlooker, I watched him struggle with who he was and how to live that out in a way that honored God. He was a gifted writer, a seminary graduate, a Christian whose waters ran deep....he had so much to offer. During that season, God chose to allow him lots of time to be at home with his family and to serve in his church.

He came to NJ to be with his dying father, moving his wife and five children from Texas. I always admired this selfless act of love and was inspired as I watched him and Ginger walk through the emotions of both of his parents dying within 2 weeks of each other. Every time I stopped by their home, Phillip was either landscaping the yard or remodeling part of the old home he inherited from his father. I wonder how much God was rearranging inside of Phillip as he worked tirelessly to improve his physical surroundings.

Our time in NJ was also a season of pain and joy and perseverance. In our five years there, our church experienced much spiritual turmoil. We had two pastors who quit under stressful circumstances, one whose wife died during his interim service to us, and as we were leaving, a new pastor was just beginning. Meanwhile, Mark (my husband) was on staff and doing all he could to manage all the transition and pain and chaos. He found himself struggling with who he was and what his calling was. Phillip proved to be a faithful friend to Mark. I know that Phillip's voice of courage drew Mark closer to Jesus. He also provided a few good belly laughs along the way. God sure did gift that man with a unique way of lifting others' spirits around him.

Not long after we moved to Wisconsin from NJ, God moved the Hillery's to VA to purchase and operate their own farm. I regret that I never got to see Phillip in this setting, but I imagine he was in his element. His home-going is bittersweet. It is painful for me to think of Ginger and Thomas and Patrick and Maggie and Rose and Nora on the farm without him, but I know God is surrounding them with people who love them and providing everything they need. I rejoice that our good friend, Phillip, is no longer in pain and is worshipping Jesus day and night, as we all long to one day do. I am grateful for the time on this earth that He allowed our paths to cross.