My Cave

I have been working my new "state job" as a vocational rehabilitation counselor since December 28th. I make the trek up to Beaver Dam each morning (32 minutes from our house in the suburbs of Madison), log onto my state computer, and busily help disabled people connect with the services they need to be able to find themselves gainfully employed one day. More than half the time is spent meeting with people who need help. The rest of the time is spent writing reports and purchase orders and e-mails and following up with vendors on the phone. Right away I decided if I was going to spend 40 hours a week in that little musty office, I was going to be sure I was happy while I was doing it! So, I added scented candles (pumpkin spice is my favorite), some well-placed pictures of Mark, the boys, and other loved ones on my desk, a Monet print on the wall to my right, and last but certainly not least....a lovely lamp Mark bought me for Christmas that has an attachment for my i-pod complete with speaker so I can pod-cast and worship-music my day away as I endlessly spend the state's money.

At one point, a couple of weeks ago, my friend Faith came to visit me for lunch. We brown-bagged it in my office and enjoyed my pumpkin spice candle on our lunch table. She asked me how it felt to be working up in my Beaver Dam office each day. On that particular day, I was feeling like I was in exile or something. Of course, I'm grateful God provided that job for me, fur us. It has just been an adjustment to move away from what I thought was my life's calling to a job I never expected to be doing. Of course, the selfish part is not having nearly as much control of my time as I once did. Faith immediately knew where to send me. "I want you to take some time to read the story of David in the Cave at Addulam this week in 2 Samuel. Ask God for an adjustment on how your viewing your assignment up here." Sigh....okay, Faith. Have YOU ever read that story? I couldn't recall it, so I dove into it that week. Here's what I got out of it....

David was running for his life. He found refuge in the Cave at Adullam. More importantly, he found refuge in the presence of the LORD in the cave at Adullam. And he experienced God there like never before. One by one, God started sending all these people to him. They sought him out in his CAVE! They were in debt, destitute, and without hope. God provided David to be their leader and to give them hope. and in return, they also blessed him. An unexpected result, I think, of someone who must have felt like he was in exile in that dirty, musty cave.

I realize I'm not David. But I think God had something for me in that story. It did feel like I was running for my life when I applied for that job. Our finances were about to completely cave in around us after five years of trying to "make it" in private practice. I felt resigned to go on up to Beaver Dam and "suffer for the family". God is surprising me with the blessing it is to have a long line of people at my door who are in debt, destitute, and without hope...people with handicapping conditions they never asked for. And I am sitting in this chair with practically an unlimited bank account to do whatever I can to help them get a job. Some need driving lessons, some need assistive technology, and some just need a job coach to walk alongside them and help them get started on a job. I get to bless them in creative ways and, in return, I am truly blessed. I see hope for our finances turning around eventually, and I am more aware of the fact that God Himself placed me in that little cave. I'm not sure how long He'll have me there, but by His grace, I remain open and willing to walk in faith.

Where to Start?

I'm not sure where to start, but I know there's a lot in me to write, so here we go.

God is teaching me to be present in the "sacred now". I have spent so much time worrying about the future and losing sleep about money and other problems that I have missed too much of the "now".

My mom was here from Florida for the past week and I made an effort to just sit with her as much as I could. I barely looked at the computer. I only worked one day while she was here. I'm glad we had the time together without too many distractions.

Josh and I have really been enjoying some reading together lately. He had to read "My Side of the Mountain" for school. He wasn't too excited about it at first, but as we started reading it out loud together, we started looking forward to our nightly tucking into the corner of the couch in front of the fire and seeing what happens to Sam Gribley next. We finished it last night and he now wants to read the rest of the series of three books. I look forward to doing that with him.

I am now sitting in a coffee shop on our first real snowy day of the winter. Have I told you about my coffee shop dream? I can't seem to shake it, so I've been asking God what He wants me to do about it. I want to open my own coffee shop. I have a vision for the atmosphere I'd want to create....so how about I share it with you here? I want to decorate it with antique, vintage coffee/tea type items. I've had my eye on some old coffee grinders in a local antique store. I want creaky hardwood floors and a two-sided fireplace with big warm rugs near it. I want to make lattes and laugh and talk and pray with people all day. I've considered hanging out my own little counseling/spiritual direction shingle with an office connected to the cafe somehow. It would have a separate entrance and I'd be available for maybe 10 hours a week of counseling. The whole enterprise would be called "Life Grounds Cafe". There would be books available for purchase and/or check-out. Of course, it would be stocked with all of my favorites and more. We would shut down on Sundays and make the space available to church planters who are just getting started and need a place to meet. I would love to also make some office space available for new church planters as they're getting started. We'd have a meeting room available for support groups/group therapy, etc...). I've been researching start-up coffee shops and estimate I'd need about $150,000 to get it started. I know that sounds huge, but nothing is too big for God. So, I just keep talking to/with Him about it and I remain open to His leading, direction and provision.

SO, I'd love to hear your thoughts...I know when I do open this amazing coffee shop one day, it will be a reflection of the journey He has had me on and will reflect something of the friends He has blessed me with along the way. There will be pictures....lots of pictures.

Bye for now....gonna go enjoy some more "sacred now". Nice sharing a few minutes of it with you....

submission, or the "s" word....

okay, so i've never been much into submission. i really do like to do things my own way. i know somewhere along the way, growing up, i heard things like, "don't ever trust a man to take care of you. they're all pigs. make sure you can take care of yourself." i'm sure this had an impact on how i took in the whole "wives are to submit to their husbands" part of the Bible. i truly have bristled against this teaching, writing it off as a cultural thing of the times it was written in that doesn't really fit today. sigh....

i started reading "the excellent wife" as part of a mentoring course i'm taking through settingcaptivesfree.com i'm not so sure i could recommend it to others since i haven't finished it yet. at first glance, it seems really legalistic with no real infusion of grace. BUT, the first two chapters are behind me and i can report that i am being challenged in my thinking and in the condition of my heart towards my husband. it doesn't feel like mis-placed guilt or pressure to please someone else. it feels like God Himself is asking me to look at an area of my life that not only displeases Him, but has been a stumbling block for me, for Mark and for our marriage.

as i took in the truth that God wants me to submit to my husband and be busy at home and look for ways that i can serve and support him, i had some good tears. one, because it's hard to look at my pride and the condition of my heart. and two, because i have to change. a lot.

so, i asked God to do the work in my heart needed to walk as He wants me to walk in this area. and i've just started changing the way i am with mark....listening to him more than talking, pouring him a glass of cold iced tea when he walks in the door, asking what he thinks about something before i jump ahead and do it, complimenting him ans showing him respect whenever i can. and doing these things is causing my heart to shift towards him. and it also is causing mark to look at me like, "who are you and what have you done with my wife?"

God has given me a good man. not perfect, but definitely good. making a conscious decision to place myself under his God-given authority actually feels like a safe place to be. it feels like i can rest in that place. weird, huh?

hopeful

i just thought i'd let you all know i woke up feeling hopeful today. i haven't felt that in awhile and i just wanted to recognize it and allow myself to enjoy it:) sometimes i hesitate to say where i'm really at when i read what you are going through, ginger. nothing going on in my life even compares to the loss you are experiencing. i want you to know that i'm grateful for the way you've shared your grief with all of us through your blog. God has allowed me to feel a portion of your grief as i've thought about you and prayed for you lately. i am thankful He has allowed that.

off i go to walk and take in the beautiful day today is. and soak in the Hope only He can offer.

edgy

i've felt edgy lately. i can't seem to relax. or feel settled. i had the whole day off yesterday and i think my brain just needed space to breathe, but i felt this pressure to use the time productively. but i didn't. i couldn't even figure out where to start. my mind couldn't think clearly enough to fold a towel. so i watched a movie. and fed the cat (she was grateful). and talked to God throughout the day....nothing too coherent. i did manage to clean our desk at home off. nice to look at that at the end of the day as something completed. josh had a make-up game. i sat and watched and asked God to just help me focus on the game. to be all there for it. He granted my request.

Group

Last night, I completed my first group therapy experience (that I was leading). What a ride it was. It was a sexual abuse recovery group and we used Dan Allender's "Wounded Heart" and the Bible as our guide. We started with four women. One dropped out 3 weeks into it...too overwhelmed.

The three women who were left were really there for each other. It seemed like God hand-picked them to be together for this season of healing. And Satan really hated it. I know it was a spiritual battle for each of them as they shared stories of how hard it was to get to group meetings and the things they struggled with throughout the 12 weeks. It was an intense spiritual battle for me and I'm sort of hoping for some relief now that it's over. My skin thing really flared up again (hence, the allergy testing), you already know about the relational struggle I dealt with, our finances took a serious turn for the worse, and for the first time in two years, depression seemed to take over.

In response to the attack (which I recognized about half way through the 12 weeks), I joined a local bible study (Bible Study Fellowship) and signed up for the online bible study I told you about, memorized scripture, started writing here again, and talked with God A LOT. God was faithful to see me through it in one piece, and I am grateful for that.

During the last 30 minutes of our meeting, we did a "Words of Life" exercise where we took turns sharing thoughts with each other about the part each of us played in each others' healing. I intended for all of us (2 leaders included) to do the affirming for the three participants. When we finished with the three, one asked if they could include Marcia and I in the exercise. What a gift. The words they had for each of us were so life-giving.

Knowing the impact that was made somehow makes it worth the blood, sweat, and tears. I wanted to do it just to be faithful. I knew God was asking me to offer the group. But what a bonus to actually see lives transformed. Each woman LOOKED different last night than they did on the first night. More open. More feminine. More hopeful. Alive.

Thank you, Jesus.

amazed

i am amazed at His patience with me. and the way He keeps pouring into me....into my endless emptiness. and somehow He fills me up. and as I watch Him move and work in the people around me, like an eternal, stealth, soft whisper, i just get caught up in the holiness of it all. the mystery. i prayed with people today. i do that on most days, but today it felt especially like we were on Holy ground. He seems more present and flows through me more freely when my heart is soft and broken. i wish i could be sure i'll never have to re-learn this. i wish i could stay in this place and watch the mystery unfold around me from now until eternity. maybe i can.