Holiness

Well, nothing too deep to write about today (wow!). Life has been on a pretty even keel....sort of strange to find myself not bothered or troubled by much. I heard a good message at an evangelism conference we went to this weekend on holiness and it left me longing for the Holiness of God in my own life. I'm beginning to see glimpses of it! Here are a few:

• Driving back from the conference yesterday, I got behind a slow farmer on a long road with a pile of maneur in the trailer he was pulling. I slowed down, turned off my radio, and heard God speak to my heart, "I want you to slow down in life. Look around you. I made all this." I thoroughly enjoyed the 20 minutes I spent behind Farmer Joe, looking at the scenery that he likely takes in and enjoys every day.
• As we start to see glimpses of Spring, I find myself thanking God a lot lately for the newness of life He promises and delivers every day.
• When a client has a breakthrough or is doing especially well, I can tend to pat myself on the back from time to time, quietly owing it all to my natural ability and extensive training. This week, I had an especially good session with an older woman I've been working with. For the first time, she seemed hopeful for herself. After she left, I just sat still in my office and heard God say something like, "I am giving her hope. I may be using you for a small part of it, but I have been whispering to her heart for the entire two weeks since she saw you last." I felt a wave of humility sweep over me and asked, "God, why do you let me do this? I haven't done anything to deserve the awesome privilege of watching these things unfold in people's lives." "No, you really haven't. But let me work through you and amazing things will happen. I will give people hope." What a relief that He is constantly on the job. It takes so much unneeded pressure off my shoulders.
• The "big sky" effect here in the Mid-west has been amazing lately. So many colors....orange, pink, gold. It's a hint of the newness of Spring and I've found myself turning off the radio and just taking it in on my way to work each day.

The Holiness of God has a way of making itself known in countless ways!

Quiet My Heart

God is quieting my heart in so many ways right now. Going over some things w/ the new counselor is really clearing my head about an awful lot. Some things I just missed or didn't get to in my 14 other rounds of counseling...so glad I gave myself room and permission to do this for myself.

We were singing "I am free..." in church on Sunday and it had a very new ring to it. Some cool things/opportunities are coming up these days. The crisis pregnancy center where I volunteer asked me to pray about joining their speaker's bureau to promote the center and the post-abortion ministry in area churches. They're having a speaking/communicating training led by an area communications professor to help with skills for doing this. Very cool....scary, but I am so ready to push out of my comfort zone a little.

Bye for now...

Good Question

Someone asked me a good question yesterday, so here it is with my answer:

What does it mean that "You don't like the lack of order in your soul?"
It feels unorganized, messy, and even a little foggy. I've lived this fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants spirituality....taking in what everyone else tells me and running with it. I want to be my own person and think my own thoughts and feel my own way of feeling, so I'm diving into some murky water and not so sure what I'll see when the dust settles. Does that make sense? I'm asking God to clear the way and make Himself known to me the way He really is and not through the lens of everything I've read and learned and been told. That's where I"m at today. Good question....

Introduction

This started out as a private blog between friends, but after writing for several years, I'm in a different place and have a desire to share more words with more people. Some of the more personal stuff has been edited out, but openness and vulnerability is still at the heart of my writing. I welcome your comments and hope some of what I share touches a part of your heart and journey you may not be aware of.

Here's my journal entry for today:

Lord, the conversation w/ Margaret today leaves me stirred up -she said at the end of the conversation that I was hard to read -that it seemed like some internal struggle was going on that I'm unaware of and couldn't express. So here's a stab at attempting to express it....

I feel it stirring, but am not sure how to put it to words yet. Getting beyond the usual struggles of the first part of my adult life leaves me to walk around in a whole new realm - with the opportunity to go deeper into myself and be brave enough to see what's there. What I see inside me is smelly and dirty and unkempt. I don't like the lack of order in my soul.

It feels as though I'm entering what may be a scary season of questioning - scary because what if the answers or conclusions I come to turn my world upside down? What if the darkness of my soul is too much to bear? What if I've been living a lie in my faith? What if I can't go on living life as I know it?

How do I even wrap my head around God as a Being who is both male and female or neither one? So many questions...why are men the head of the family as Christ was the head of the church? How much of the Bible is slanted towards men by its writers? Some of these questions are being stirred up by reading Sue Monk Kidd's writing about her own journey. I'm being challenged in many ways as I take in her story. She has some great early writings about her walk with God and connecting with Him (First Light, When the Heart Waits). Lately, I've been reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter", which describes her journey out of Christianity and into Feminist Theology/Spirituality. Margaret encouraged me w/ the thought "once you've tasted His grace, you don't bag your faith", so I press on, fascinated w/ her story and wanting to understand where she was coming from and also wanting to understand how what she went through impacts me.

Help me to be open, Lord, to Your truth. Its all I want - I want to be true to myself - true to you - and true to those I'm entrusted with.