hopeful

i just thought i'd let you all know i woke up feeling hopeful today. i haven't felt that in awhile and i just wanted to recognize it and allow myself to enjoy it:) sometimes i hesitate to say where i'm really at when i read what you are going through, ginger. nothing going on in my life even compares to the loss you are experiencing. i want you to know that i'm grateful for the way you've shared your grief with all of us through your blog. God has allowed me to feel a portion of your grief as i've thought about you and prayed for you lately. i am thankful He has allowed that.

off i go to walk and take in the beautiful day today is. and soak in the Hope only He can offer.

edgy

i've felt edgy lately. i can't seem to relax. or feel settled. i had the whole day off yesterday and i think my brain just needed space to breathe, but i felt this pressure to use the time productively. but i didn't. i couldn't even figure out where to start. my mind couldn't think clearly enough to fold a towel. so i watched a movie. and fed the cat (she was grateful). and talked to God throughout the day....nothing too coherent. i did manage to clean our desk at home off. nice to look at that at the end of the day as something completed. josh had a make-up game. i sat and watched and asked God to just help me focus on the game. to be all there for it. He granted my request.

Group

Last night, I completed my first group therapy experience (that I was leading). What a ride it was. It was a sexual abuse recovery group and we used Dan Allender's "Wounded Heart" and the Bible as our guide. We started with four women. One dropped out 3 weeks into it...too overwhelmed.

The three women who were left were really there for each other. It seemed like God hand-picked them to be together for this season of healing. And Satan really hated it. I know it was a spiritual battle for each of them as they shared stories of how hard it was to get to group meetings and the things they struggled with throughout the 12 weeks. It was an intense spiritual battle for me and I'm sort of hoping for some relief now that it's over. My skin thing really flared up again (hence, the allergy testing), you already know about the relational struggle I dealt with, our finances took a serious turn for the worse, and for the first time in two years, depression seemed to take over.

In response to the attack (which I recognized about half way through the 12 weeks), I joined a local bible study (Bible Study Fellowship) and signed up for the online bible study I told you about, memorized scripture, started writing here again, and talked with God A LOT. God was faithful to see me through it in one piece, and I am grateful for that.

During the last 30 minutes of our meeting, we did a "Words of Life" exercise where we took turns sharing thoughts with each other about the part each of us played in each others' healing. I intended for all of us (2 leaders included) to do the affirming for the three participants. When we finished with the three, one asked if they could include Marcia and I in the exercise. What a gift. The words they had for each of us were so life-giving.

Knowing the impact that was made somehow makes it worth the blood, sweat, and tears. I wanted to do it just to be faithful. I knew God was asking me to offer the group. But what a bonus to actually see lives transformed. Each woman LOOKED different last night than they did on the first night. More open. More feminine. More hopeful. Alive.

Thank you, Jesus.

amazed

i am amazed at His patience with me. and the way He keeps pouring into me....into my endless emptiness. and somehow He fills me up. and as I watch Him move and work in the people around me, like an eternal, stealth, soft whisper, i just get caught up in the holiness of it all. the mystery. i prayed with people today. i do that on most days, but today it felt especially like we were on Holy ground. He seems more present and flows through me more freely when my heart is soft and broken. i wish i could be sure i'll never have to re-learn this. i wish i could stay in this place and watch the mystery unfold around me from now until eternity. maybe i can.