Sometimes I just need to write to make sense out of what's going on inside me. Lately, I've experienced more than a usual amount of fatigue and weariness. Today I've stopped. I stopped planning, organizing, doing my normal "staying busy" thing. I took TWO naps, made some special coffee, and lit a candle or two. I'm taking stock of all that's transpired since we moved to Wisconsin six years ago, especially on the inside. The level of "output" has been tremendous. I found it only went well when I took the time to be connected to the Source. All the counseling, the listening, the tears...I know they add up to something more than I can put into words. I'm so grateful I got to be a part of people healing and moving forward for the past six years. I'm having a hard time making sense out of why God would have me go through all of the training and long hours towards being a licensed therapist to now walk away from it. All I know is I'm really tired. Sadly, I don't have it in me to keep my practice open, but I wish I did. I thought it would be easier to walk away from as tired as I've been, but it's grueling. I'm not sure what that means.
I took a state job earlier this year, because as hard as we tried, we weren't able to make ends meet on my private practice income. Kind of embarrassing to admit, really, but we started too far behind to begin with. I wasn't doing back flips about taking the state job, but God is clearly providing for us through it. Now in month 9, I can see more and more why God has me there. I know that's a big part of why I'm too tired for private practice. I'm just admitting I'm sad about leaving it behind. It's what I really love to do.
My career re-focus has come out of a need to provide a more stable income and schedule for my family. My boys need me "all there" for at least the next ten years. While leaving private practice behind feels like losing a part of myself, I know there will be more of me to go around at home....and more time to actually be filled up from the Source. I have a feeling I'll get back to it one day. I'm not sure how or when or what it will look like, but I know it will be in His timing.